#and writing personal text posts feel embarrassing for whatever reason

[hakonohanayome]

ngl scrolling through twitter just makes me feel kinda lonely now & i'm reeeally tempted to go back to being more social on here instead

[s0s1mple]

hiii!!! :))

first of all i really luv ur writing, i found myself reading sm of your work even if i don't stan enhyphen!

I've seen that you accept requests for p1harmony and i've been so into the idea of jiung and keeho being yanderes lately that i literally feel the thoughts chewing away at my brain.

ughhhh i can see like jiung being someone you get to know on campus, and he's just so nice and you guys start to go out, and you're completley clueless about his obsession with you, in the meanwhile keeho had seen you months ago, working at a cafeteria near the campus, and he couldn't get you off his mind ever since then, when he sees that jiung starts going out with you he can't help but feel jealous, so he immediatley starts to get to know you and quickly becomes one of your friends, sliding into ud life as if he had always been there andd ugh idk i was just thinking all sorts of scenarios of them being jealous of each other and sabotaging each other's friendship/ situationship with you until they finally come to the conclusion that, what the helly, they're friends, they could both have you?!?@

omg sorry i yapped sm and i have no idea if what i wrote was correct whatsoever, english is not my first language so pls understand !💔

but wtv, if you could write something about this, or even simply yandere headcanons about them separately i'd be sooo happy, but if you can't for whatever reasons i understand perfectly ! 🩷

P1H DOESNT GET ENOUGH TUMBLR POSTS AND CERTAINLY NOT ENOUGH YANDERE I GOT YOU BOOKIE

Unhealthy Competition - Yoon Keeho and Choi Jiung

TW: general yandere behavior, stalking, gaslighting, isolating behavior, kidnapping

Masterlist

—————

When you met Jiung for the first time, the two of you smacking into each other as you turned a corner, it truthfully wasn’t Jiung’s first time meeting you. He’d watched you from afar, gained a little crush that grew into something uncontrollable as he watched you in class.

You were just so sweet as you raised your hand to ask the professor questions, even if the professor had long since said it was alright to just blurt out comments. Then there were days where you were shy, shuffling into the back of the room instead of your usual seat towards the middle, your pencil tapping a near imperceptible rhythm as you listened. And then there were the moments where, in the midst of group work, Jiung would hear a tinkling laugh and look over from his own group- god, why couldn’t he be there with you?- and see your ears flushed as you cracked a joke or accidentally made a slight fool of yourself. You were clumsy and funny like that, something that gave Jiung just enough of a feeling of kinship, like maybe you two belonged together, to orchestrate the two of you finally interacting. Sure, he could approach you like a normal person, but you were so skittish he felt it best to just… accidentally meet you instead.

So you blushed and stammered as you helped him clean up his stuff, and Jiung waved away your concern with a happy smile as he offered to buy you a new coffee some time to make up for the one dripping on the sidewalk. He could see it in your eyes, that slight hesitance, so he told you not to feel too pressured and handed over what he’d managed to pick up. Your notebook, your pens, and a third notepad that was decidedly not yours. He’d made sure to write his number on the back just in case it got lost, so of course he received a text message later that afternoon.

And just like that, Jiung was in your life. He sat next to you in class, carefully getting you to open up. Half of it was from him trying, the other half from you seeing exactly what he had seen in you- you two were similar in a lot of ways, not too touchy and always just a little too embarrassing for your own good when trying to be social. So he was all too happy to sit in this little world with you, the two of you chuckling and texting back and forth in the back of the classroom on your quieter days. It wasn’t long before he was your best friend, something that happened in record time. And as a best friend, he could finally treat you to that coffee- a vanilla latte with cinnamon and one extra raw sugar packet.

Turns out, your barista was already extremely familiar with your order, and Jiung didn’t even get the chance to just ‘happen’ to guess your favorite. Jiung eyed the male’s nametag, something boiling in his stomach at the sight of you grinning happily at this ‘Keeho’ person.

Keeho eyed the male right back as you headed towards the table by the window that he’d oh so carefully saved for this time of day for you. He lifted his nose, huffing out an irritated breath, but smiled all the same at the customer. “What can I get for you?”

“Same as her.”

“We’re all out of vanilla syrup, sorry. Can I get you something else?” The male’s eyes darted to the syrup stand behind Keeho, spotting the still very full container. His eye twitched. Keeho smiled back passively.

“I’ll just have a regular latte then.”

“And what will be the name for that?”

“Jiung.” Keeho’s lips pursed into a smile just a tad too… unfeeling. He let Jiung pay, charged him just a bit more than normal, and scribbled his name on a cup in great jagged letters. When Jiung picked up his drink- iced, not warm like requested- Keeho pretended the male didn’t exist in favor of staring at you.

Honestly, Keeho was convinced he wouldn’t see this Jiung character come into the shop again alongside you. You were private like that, rarely appearing with anybody except for the occasional study partner for a project. It gave Keeho plenty of time to get to know you, the real you, as you curled up over a good book. The you that read cheesy romances and refused to dog-ear your pages. The you that was hyper aware of your surroundings, always shying out of the way so as not to be a burden. The you that wrinkled your nose when you laughed, and when you were alone even snorted a little. The you that greeted him with a bright smile all the time, even as your shyness gnawed at you.

Keeho fondly thought of you as his little customer, a possessive title that he never really paid much mind to.

But then Jiung kept appearing. He’d spot you walking by the coffee shop window, Jiung at your side. He’d see you in town occasionally, talking on the phone to Jiung. Even worse, Jiung would completely ruin yours and Keeho’s sanctuary on over half of your visits, whether it be through invite or by ‘coincidentally’ running into you in his shop. And eventually you paid more attention to Jiung on these trips, even taking to trying things other than your usual, waving away the latte he made just the way you liked in favor of some other bullshit.

Keeho felt he had to put a stop to this, especially with Jiung smiling so smugly at him over your shoulders.

So Keeho burrowed into your life as soon as possible. He got off work early, walking out alongside you, and offered to walk you home with a cookie as a subtle bribe. He was his usual charming self, joking and confident, finding every opportunity possible to stop the two of you and prolong the walk. Anything to get you to like him, anything to steal Jiung’s place. Somehow, by the end of that first walk, Keeho already had your number.

As you walked into your house, he seared the address into his mind.

Two days later, Keeho coincidentally ran into you and Jiung at the mall. The look on his face when you invited Keeho to spend time with the both of them? Priceless.

Jiung fucking hated Keeho. That leech had grabbed a hold of you and wouldn’t let go, wouldn’t let you be with the obviously better choice that was Jiung. Keeho was boisterous sometimes, entirely too confident, unafraid to be flirty and then back right back up and pretend it was a joke when you got flustered. He just couldn’t get rid of the guy.

Even worse, he swore the guy was using his tactics. Accidental run-ins, happening to have an extra one of your favorite snacks, slowly isolating you away from the rest of the nobodies who wanted to take up your time…

While Jiung did that in class, casually taking you under his arm and discouraging students from talking to you behind closed doors, Keeho was unafraid of clicking his tongue and telling you some bullshit comment just to get you to think that little bit more poorly of your friends and family.

Begrudgingly, Jiung felt Keeho was making his job a little easier. Begrudgingly, he got free coffees from Keeho because when he gave them to you, you asked for one for Jiung as well. Begrudgingly, Keeho was actually likable.

Jiung hated it, he really did. He was supposed to be proving that Keeho was all wrong for you, and yet the two of them had slowly stopped sabotaging each other. Instead, they worked in tandem. You didn’t have anyone else now. You hardly even spoke to your family. You went to class, then to the shop, then home, and on the weekends you hung out with them. When Jiung laughed and spun you around playfully, hands held so carefully on your waist, your cheeks flushed. When Keeho pinched teasingly at your cheek and wrapped an arm around your shoulders, your ears burned.

Much to both of their chagrins, they wouldn’t be nearly as close with you without the other.

And so maybe, maybe, that was why they decided to become roommates. Maybe that was why, when their hearts felt like they were bursting because they were so, so close and yet you still kept fucking shying away, it was Keeho who grabbed you and it was Jiung’s car you ended up in.

Jiung could tolerate Keeho as long as you were there, as long as you smiled weakly, indulgently at him as he peppered kisses over your cute face.

Keeho, in turn, could tolerate Jiung as long as you were there and he could tuck his face into your neck, holding you close like his personal teddy bear.

You maybe could escape one of them, but both? You’d sooner die trying, and neither of them planned on letting that happen.

[nabi-unveiled]

Why I Didn't Write On Tumblr Earlier

I got asked in a DM "where u been?". There was more to the message, but the general idea was they were curious as they had recently seen a lot of posts by me.

Which is fair - I post a lot (that's not likely to change). And while this community is not new to me at all, I am new to it.

For many years, I was a ghost on Tumblr. I loved reading everyone's takes. My head is always full of commentary, and I loved reading all of the conflicting opinions. I loved the discourse. I loved the humor.

We won't dive into how it feels like a celebrity liked my post when some of you like or reblog something I wrote.

However, with only a few exceptions in life (like introducing myself to my husband - he was and is super attractive to me), I'm pretty slow to engage. I'm not joking when I say I overthink everything. It makes me very good at what I do, but it also makes me that person who rewrites a text or email ten times and still may not send it.

There's a lot of reasons I'm slow to engage. I live in a family and community where I'm largely told that everything I think and like is morally wrong. Stupid swamp. It's probably why characters and themes in BLs resonate so strongly with me. Teerak's family was the closest to my family dynamic I've ever seen depicted...if most of ep 12 never happens. My dad is a Southern Baptist preacher after all. I love my husband, but he's Teerak's mom in this scenario. He loves me, but he struggles to understand my religious deconstruction and beliefs. We're both purity culture survivors, but he struggles with the swamp.

When someone notices my Seonghwa/SKZ keychains or whatever is my phone background (it changes a lot), reactions range from disbelief ("huh. why?") to condescension ("you're so silly", "aren't you too old for that stuff?") to judgment ("Most mothers use pictures of their children since that's their focus."). I hear a lot of jokes. I see a lot of rolled eyes. That's only in reaction to K-pop, anime, or het shows with subtitles. I typically don't feel safe bringing up BLs or kink at all.

I'm not ashamed. I like what I like, and I believe what I believe. But it wears on you, and you stop engaging. I don't need that kind of negative energy in my life. If that's a type of cowardice - oh well.

Engaging takes energy. I'm not shy AT ALL, but I am introverted and private. It takes me a very long time to get comfortable with people. Once I do though, prepare for a goofball with no sense of embarrassment. I will not just spill tea. I will dump it over your head.

However, because I'm confident in my skills and not shy, many people don't realize I'm introverted. I can get on stage and speak to hundreds of people without batting an eye. I know how to play the social game. After all, I was raised in a family of extroverted Southern hosts. But small talk? It's torture. I crave depth in conversations. I will always retreat to my cave to recharge afterwards. It'll take a while before I emerge again.

On top of that - it's hard for me to follow conversations in large groups or noisy environments. I have a moderate hearing impairment that makes speech difficult to discern - especially if I can't see your mouth. I have had it since I was a young child; however, I was taught that "disabled" is a label you don't want to have. I was in my 30s before I started openly admitting hearing was a struggle to people that were not super close to me.

There's only so many times you get told "it's nothing" before you stop asking people to repeat. Plus, it annoys people which is something I've been told since birth that you should avoid. My audiologist was shocked when she tested my hearing that I had managed without hearing aids for so long. But you learn to either control the conversation (it's easier to guess what people are saying) or mask (stay silent/pretend you hear). I'm very good at both.

It's much better now that I have a hearing aid. I should have two, but they're expensive. That said - it takes a lot to unlearn behaviors.

But once I choose to engage, I'm all in.

In short, engaging is a risk. I'm working on being more open. I'm working on drawing boundaries with my family and community. I've been taking steps to break out of that glass room, but I'm still slow to pull the trigger. Yeah...it's no wonder why When It Rains hits hard.

But once the door is open? It's open. My children think I'm an insane clown of a person, because I'm very comfortable with them. My brother would tell you I never shut up. If I choose to do something, I do it with everything in me. I'm slow to take risks. I calculate the potential cost. The cost is often high. But I'm not afraid of risks. I've taken the One Chip Challenge.

After all, taking action is a good thing.

So I'm here now in corporeal form. I'm no longer a ghost.

Words cannot express how much I have absolutely LOVED being an active part of this community in the past month. It's been delightful. In particular, I've learned that this type of engagement does not cost me energy. It gives me energy.

I'm also incredibly glad I chose to engage before When It Rains. I rolled a nat 20 on that saving throw.

[suddencolds]

sending u a star!! ⭐️ sorry i wanted to go thru and pick a specific fic but im too sleepy lol but any yvescent piece u had thoughts on :D

[from Fanfic Writers - Director's Cut]

hello!!! THANK YOU N, IT MADE ME REALLY HAPPY TO RECEIVE THIS 🥹🥹🥹

I also realize am responding to this like 2 months late :') I thought for a long time on which fic to comment on, and now that I've posted Atypical Occurrence pt. 2, I thought I might as well write out my thoughts on it while they're still fresh and bc it's close to my heart (I hope that's okay hehe)

—

⚠️❗️ Warning that I will be attaching snippets from my deleted drafts below!! Please read the published installment before you proceed to read this post. This is a little embarrassing... all I can say is that those drafts were deleted for a reason 🥴

—

There’s a grocery store that’s a ten minute drive from Vincent’s apartment. 

I rewrote this scene... 3 or 4 times? It gave me sooo much trouble 😭 I think in the first draft Vincent actually tears up tasting Yves's cooking. (I know, Vincent, I want Yves to cook for me too 😭❗️)

Terrible (ugh 😭) first draft screenshot under the cut (screenshot = old draft, indented quote = current draft):

(Yves pulling up a chair at the end... you can tell he is totally at a loss on what to do 😭 and I, too, was at a loss on what to do)

I wrote this ^, and I was like... this moment just feels unearned? I personally despise outlining + I love going in (mostly) blind. Sometimes the first draft works out of the box, and in this case, the first draft (and the second draft, and the third draft) were all soooo bad that I literally had to take a month-long break to regain my confidence 😭

Anyways! I knew right away that Y was going to cook something for V (it's mentioned here and there throughout the series that he is a really good cook 😭 And in part 3 of Fool Me Twice, Yves promises to make Vincent something more ambitious than hot chocolate. He's finally kept his promise now, 12 installments later 🙇‍♀️ )

From draft 2, there was only one scene which I was sure I was going to include in the final draft, aka, spared from the recycling bin. (But I just checked the final draft and it's nowhere to be seen?? Interesting.)

I would have managed fine on my own.

On this (deleted) scene, and more broadly: I think it's important to me that Yves recognizes that Vincent is self-sufficient in many ways: when Vincent says he will be fine alone, he is telling the truth. Yves doesn't have to stay—he recognizes this too, when he heads for the door in the published draft.

Still, Yves stays, of course—initially, because he insists, and later, because Vincent asks :)

“…You won’t leave unless I eat, then,” Vincent says. He says it evenly enough that it barely registers as a question. Yves smiles at him. It’s not a wrong conclusion. “Exactly,” he says.

It was really, really fun writing the differences between caretaker!Vincent (in Fool Me Twice pt. 5) and caretaker!Yves 😊 I usually don't like to say too much on the end of character analysis, bc I like my work to be interpreted as it is: the text is canon, and everything I'm saying here is just me yapping on about my headcanons. (I have been roasted for saying this by a dear friend of mine, probably rightfully so:)

With that disclaimer: Vincent to me (I can only speculate, etc) is a very no-bullshit caretaker (he likes to enforce whatever will lead most directly to the person's recovery; he actually worries a lot, but his worry often manifests as frustration/snappishness), whereas Yves is a lot more permissive and, for the most part, manages his stress—he is the eldest sibling, after all! I think he does what he can to make it a more tolerable experience :)

“So this is just a Yves thing.” “What? Showing consideration for my friends?”  “Showing consideration is one thing,” Vincent answers. “You could have left after dropping off the files. You would still have been showing your consideration.” “I guess that’s true. But at that point, I was already here,” Yves says, with a shrug. “It seemed logical to check up on you.” “Well, now you’ve checked up on me,” Vincent says. “So you can go.” Yves supposes this is true.

Vincent takes things very literally (and I think he's actually quite aware of the social niceties around these kinds of things, which is in part why he is so skeptical to assume that Yves means anything more.)

There’s a hand on his sleeve, tugging. Yves goes very still. When Vincent notices what he’s done, alarm flashes through his expression, and he pulls his hand away as if he’s burned.  “Sorry,” he murmurs, again. And just like that, he’s back to how he always is—his expression perfectly, carefully neutral, in a way that can only be constructed. “I’m sorry.” But Yves doesn’t forget what he’s seen. “You can go.”

This scene means a lot to me!! It took a loooot of editing to hammer into place (the doc I wrote it on is titled "fixing this scene would FIX ME" haha). I think this is the first time Vincent has actively sought out Yves's comfort 😭 And he regrets it almost as soon as he's said it, because he does not do things without a good justification, and wanting something—even wanting it badly—does not feel like a sufficient justification to him. But give Yves an inch and he will take a mile!! He will take a hundred miles!! That is just the kind of person that Yves is.

I was talking with some friends previously about how I wanted to write Vincent reaching out for Yves. How I wanted Vincent to, through the haze of fever, cross a line that he'd previously not allowed himself to cross :') I think it is a time-old trope to have someone, in their feverish delirium, utter something embarrassing and utterly uncharacteristic of them, or divulge something that has been difficult for them to say.

This whole time drafting, I was thinking, how can I set up a moment like that and have it feel earned? How badly would he have to be feeling? What kind of setup would justify getting past his 590859 mental defenses? (I do not like to outline, but sometimes I do have an emotional beat that I have in mind, and then I have to work backwards to figure out the setup. This took SO much working back from, and I really thought about it for very long). I was almost sure that Vincent would regret it immediately after too 😭

Yves opens his arms out in offering, tries on a smile. “I’ve been told I give good hugs. Good enough to cure all ailments, obviously.”

Ahh, so Y offering V a hug is inspired by a fic I read 6 years ago, where a character offers another a hug as a joke and then the other character surprises them by taking it. Yves is really offering here, but I think he recognizes that joking about it will make it easier for Vincent to accept 😭

Yves has hugged a fair share of people in his life. He doesn’t think he’d be able to list them all if he were asked to. It’s different, though, being so close to Vincent—so close that Yves can reach out and let his hair fall through his fingertips. He can lift up his palm and feel the rigid line of his spine, the slope of his shoulders; he could reach out and trace the dip of his wrist, the form of his hand. Vincent’s chin digs slightly into his left shoulder. His nose is turned slightly into Yves’s neck—like this, he is almost perfectly still. Yves can feel the warm brush of air against his neck whenever Vincent exhales. He is so close that Yves is afraid, for a moment, that he might hear how badly his heart is racing.

I have nothing to say about this paragraph except that I edited it for like 40 minutes straight.

Last thing!!

“We had a habit of keeping the heat off, in the winters, and closing the windows.”

The scene near the end (where Vincent tells Yves about his childhood) is actually the scene which came the most easily to me. I also did not write it last; I jumped around. It took me around 1.5 hours. (By comparison, simply editing the scene before it took 11 😵‍💫)

I did always intend for Vincent to disclose... well, /something/ about himself. (You can tell that when I plan, that's really as far as I plan LOL)

Anyways, when Vincent wakes Yves up (after Yves falls asleep at his desk), I initially wrote it so that Yves wakes Vincent from a nightmare.

But (as direct a link to vulnerability as that might have been,) Vincent would not talk about his nightmare 😭 So I switched gears.

I also specifically wanted to write about Vincent's experience being cared for growing up. I think something that's culturally resonant with me (as an Asian American, and the eldest daughter to immigrant parents) is like, the ways families can and cannot say I love you—the quiet things that are done in place of a more direct expression of it. The way that while unspoken consideration can speak volumes, it can just as easily be invisible. But even now, writing this post, I feel like it's difficult for me to untangle the feelings and experiences I've had into something that feels sufficiently multifaceted.

Vincent has a different childhood from I do (it is probably worth noting that I do not project onto any of my characters, nor do I use them as a vessel to get my own experiences across). I think I'm just drawn to writing tricky/non-straightforward expressions of love, in general :) Sometimes that is the kind of love that resonates with me most.

[calumhoodgoss]

horror story of a teenage 5sos blogger

let me set the scene - its the mid 2010s, I'm 17, in the height of my 5sos fan career, im watching keek compilations all day and scrolling tumblr all night. Life is good.

Fast forward a few months and I start talking to this cute boy at school. we start going on dates, having first kisses - and first everything elses. we're falling madly in love. it's intense (and so cringy to look back at as an adult) but again, life is good! not a worry in the world!!

eventually.. it somehow comes up that my boyfriend and i both have tumblrs (of VERY different nature's mind you). we wanted to show eachother things we'd found online but we were both adamant we didn't want to see eachothers blogs (FOR OBVIOUS REASONS). instead of following each other, we would send each other screenshots of funny textposts, pictures, etc. - blacking out our respective blog names and url's to protect our online anonymity. life is good!

now by day, I'm spending all hours messaging my totally hot boyfriend but by night... by night, I'm reblogging hot gifs of calum hood, smut fanfics, imagines, general gifs of hot couples making out (ifykyk). it's the HEIGHT of tumblr fanfiction and imagine culture and I could not get enough. i was exploring things in real life with my boyfriend while also exploring online through fics. reblogging every single thing along the way. i was having my cake and eating it too and it was a fucking good time to be alive. life is so good!

of course, like any normal person, I was using my tags as a stream of consciousness. a way to get out my feelings about cal, about my boyfriend, about being a teenager, about LITERALLY EVERYTHING. Unfiltered, hormonal, teenage girl writing about the boys she likes. every. damn. night. life! is! good!

until.. all until.. my boyfriend and i were lying together in a park, under a tree, light filtering down on us as we talk and laugh and kiss - a perfect afternoon UNTIL he says there's something he has to tell me. 'what does *name of my blog* mean?'

TURNS OUT, the very first time I sent him a screenshot of something, I didn't black out my url properly and he had been SECRETLY STALKING MY BLOG FOR MONTHHHSSSS.

MONTHS

MONTHS!!!!!!

Literally just months worth of calum hood smut, so.much.smut, smut requests too!!!, soft porn gifs WITH TAGS LITERALLY EXPLICITLY ABOUT MY BOYFRIEND, countless text posts about our dates and whatever the fuck I was thinking or feeling that day, 5sos drama, EVERYTHING. EVERYTHINGGGGG. ABSOLUTELY EV ER Y THIN G

needless to say that blog was immediately scorched from the surface of the earth. and since then, I virtually haven't been on 5sos tumblr - until now. I was so mortified that I wasn't just throwing my thoughts into the void, I was literally scarred.

we're still together though lol I guess he some how liked me enough to look past the 5sos blog HAHA. he's a much stronger person than I because if the roles were reversed and he had some obsessed teenage fan blog, I think i would have gotten the ick straight away. Especially since I literally NEVER talked about 5sos with him because I was soooo embarrassed that I was obsessed with them (this was album one era guys HAHA and my boyfriend was way cooler than me in highschool). now I don't care, I play them in the shower all the time - he can deal with it hahaha

moral of the story is, idk don't tell your teenage boyfriend you have tumblr cause he will find your blog

[bloodplague]

Hi! I’m new to your blog and I was looking through your posts and everything. I love your head canons for the creepypasta! And you are a very good artist too. I just wanted to ask if you could do a HC about Laughing Jack or Jason the Toymaker. (Like I said I love your artwork! keep up the good work!)

Jason the Toymaker & Laughing Jack Headcanons

Suree!! I'm not a big Jason fan so I might not have many, but I'll try!! Also thank you so much!! <3

Jason the Toymaker:

He has the antisocial personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, PTSD and is super possessive.

His friends are Laughing Jack, Jeff the Killer, Bloody Painter and KageKao, mainly.

He's a skilled writer, able to write beautiful texts with little effort.

Jason loves the scent after blowing out candles.

One of his hobbies is fixing broken weapons, always proud of himself once he finished.

Once someone becomes a fond one, they won't ever escape him. He's extremely clingy, possessive and will threaten them if they try to leave.

He doesn't know when he's doing something wrong. Example: After threatening someone he likes because of reasons, and they lash out at him, he'll be super confused, not knowing what he did wrong.

No matter what he does, he will ALWAYS defend his actions.

Doesn't usually torture a lot when killing but still tends to be sadistic.

LOVES listening to someone playing piano while he's working on something, it helps him to not get distracted.

When he's mad, he will punch walls aggressively and rip out his hair, blaming anyone but not himself for whatever made him this mad.

A walking redflag, basically...

Sometimes, Jason and Helen hang out, just talking while Helen draws and Jason works on his little toys.

When Jason gets really mad, he'll start stuttering, not able to handle the rage that keeps building up inside him, so he destroys things around him to show how angry he is.

Laughing Jack:

He laughs like Peter Griffin.

His comfort is gore, basically. When killing, he tries to make it as gory/bloody as possible.

His best friends are Nina, Clockwork, Jill and Pinkamena.

Jack has PTSD and psychosis.

This guy has claustrophobia, to be honest.

His tongue is really long, just like his arms.

When he's mad, he'll be extremely loud mouthed, more than he already is anyway.

Speaking off, he'd do ANYTHING to make his friends laugh, hurting anyone's feelings just to make fond ones smile and giggle, even if the one he's making fun of is having a rage burst or mental break down.

He's overly clingy and can be very sassy.

Biggest ENFP

He loves taking care of Sally and Lazari since they replace what he needed back then: A friend.

Even if he always dresses black and white, he has a small little bow somewhere on his body, usually because of Nina.

Constantly craves candy, chips and chocolate milkshake, giggling while devouring that shit.

Hates Rouge for some unknown reasons, just like Wilson.

Can come off as overly playful and childish, even though he's highly manipulative, easily leading his victims into some trap just to violently torture the living shit out of them.

When anyone tries to hurt his fond ones, he will be extremely aggressive and violent, ready to do whatever it takes to protect the ones close to him. Loosing another person would destroy him.

When he's REALLY close to someone, he'll be really touchy and sometimes even mushy, just trying to get their attention by acting all "adorable", like some starving puppy.

LOVES Scene's and emo's so much, he always points at them with his finger when he sees one like the silly person he is.

He has a really sharp chin.

His whole face turns red when he laughs or gets embarrassed.

[canaidliafail]

untitled

streamer ellie Williams x dancer reader 🌿

Id call this an excessively long shitpost. It is in the same timeline with staygrounded but I wrote it down for self indulgent reasons such as -to no ones surprise- venting. It ain’t good btw but its getting better I think.

CW: first of all, reader is a dancer/ dance teacher || short mention of self harm || MDI: there are sexual themes if I remember correctly || Ellie being very gay

If you by any chance do enjoy this concept I don’t mind writing a part 2 tho. Requests are open ✨

“you blame it on the drugs I dont give a fuck cause the damage is done,

and you talk about suicide, its the way you manipulate”

1:35 ───ㅇ───── 3:47 ↻ ◁ II ▷ ↺

gossip, rumors, spreading a false narrative and falling in love with being a victim of life and most importantly a victim of you.

So many things that could have been said about her. So many and yet all sat stale at the tip of your tongue. You wanted to rip her to shreds, put a curse on her and considered spending life in prison for premeditated murder. Then you cried and just prayed she would leave you alone and that she would find happiness and that you would never hear anything about it. You scratched your arms, the stitches holding your flesh together getting irritably itchier day by day. flesh that you so willingly sliced a week ago and regretted right after.

It was fucking embarrassing to fall to such depths of despair and misery cause of love. In life we allow things to happen to us. Saying that was comfort of some sorts. It gave you control over a situation that you were dragged around like a puppet.

Could truly another person's venom poison you this irreversibly?

And while you did crave love and attention you refused to humiliate yourself by asking for it,let alone admit to it.

“she didn’t love you, she loved the idea of being with you. You have to realize it baby, You are a known figure now…People will do that to you. This is a whole new world you just entered”

You shook your head and dully stared at the screen playing lo-fi on loop

“New world ? Feels like I'm back in high school”

You sat on the other end of the couch numb and mute. It had been a week since you spoke to your roommate and two since you last saw your whole friend group. You warned them

“I can’t talk but I really need you”

and they came and would chime in to whatever little but you were willing to share that night.

You all woke up around the same time the next day, exam season not really willing to cooperate with your mental breakdown and started getting ready. You had already failed 2 subjects. shit was not going your way so on the fourth day you just gave up and decided to go with the flow

“how bad can it get”

bit of advice fellas, never fucking say that cause it CAN get worse.

While initially you were well prepared for exams, You mixed up the days when you were supposed to submit assignments and the days when you were taking a written exam.

2 failed subjects, 4 more to go.

4 failed subjects… 2 more to go

Hot girl summer just doesn’t feel the same once you hit your 20s it seems.

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

You were aimlessly watching one story after the other,barely there and hardly caring what exactly you were looking at. Abby had just posted one cryptic photo with a girl you saw around in the community and smiled. You could tell something was going on with her and that other streamer girl and you smiled. You thought they were a good match and quite frankly you were just glad to see that some people were doing better in their love life than you ever could. It gave you hope that things like that still existed even if you weren't meant to experience them. Ellie had also just posted and you took a minute longer to appreciate her slender form dressed in tights and a top while horse riding. She was hot and she knew it and you liked that attitude of hers. You checked the next story which was a black screen with a text

*I fell off my horse two minutes after taking that pic*

And chuckled. Your eyes drifted off to the green square mark and cocked a brow

Oh?

So you were in her close friends ?

You sat up

“Wait since when has she-” You asked yourself out loud and noticed that indeed she was following you. In the midst of working on new content and getting out of your depressive slump you started checking your social less and less too busy with dance practice and trying to enjoy life and it seemed like in the middle of your subtle break things…. Happened

Maybe a few months ago when you were down bad for her this would’ve affected you but now you just shrugged and closed your phone. You need to get back to practicing a new dance combo for a video and you couldn’t be bothered. Your ex had scared you off from dating public figures for good. Dating was a strong word…You hardly wanted even a fling at this point.

You got dressed up and put on a wig, fixing your makeup in place and making a movement test before you went to the studio to record the new choreo so that you could only worry about the variation and not have any unnecessary technical issues. The studio was a few minutes away from your place by bus and you put on the songs you planned on rehearsing to get in the mood on your way there humming softly and tuning out any other thought polluting your mind.

There's was a text notification from the user

Elliefuckingwilliams

Which you forced yourself to ignore refusing to entertain whatever she could have texted you. If this was a month ago maybe you would have but now you didnt want to.

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

Ignoring her was your plan until you posted the new video of your dance which admittedly you did look good and may have been one of your best videos up to date. Ellie Was the third like on that post and she had shamelessly double texted you. You chewed on your lip nervous and uncertain

“She texted me again”

Ophelia, your roommate, peeked her head from her iPad and looked at you curious

“Who?”

“Ellie”

“ELLIE?! WAIT THE ELLIE?!” She jumped up and for a moment you for sure she came for your throat but instead clutched the blankets on your couch

“And what do you mean again ?! When did all of this happen ?”

“Relax it all started today and you know I wanted to tell you once we had time to properly hang out” You said fighting back a smile knowing that this was a victory. Ophelia had suffered you for months crying over your ex, then thirsting over Ellie and then back to square one. You owed her an update on your emotional affairs which you swore that they would stay stagnant.

“So what did she say ?”

You opened the Direct messages

Elliefuckingwilliams: Hey I have a question

Elliefuckingwilliams: Is your studio in Seattle ?

Elliefuckingwilliams: I have a project and am looking for a dance instructor. Let me know if you would be interested in a collab

“Ah. Just work stuff it seems”

“EXCUSES SHE JUST WANTS TO EAT YOU OUT AND IS LOOKING FOR A EXCUSE”

“You are shameless”

You stared at each other with a smirk fighting to break through, wanting to seem equally serious despite the ridiculous situation.

“She does not”

“She does. I’m betting 50 dollars”

Oh fuck off ill just roll you a blunt”

“A WIN IS A WIN” she said with her hands in the air “No come on! Respond already you are driving me crazy”

You rolled your eyes and considered her offer. You were taken aback cause Ellie didn’t seem like she would do anything with…dancing. However you weren’t new to influencers trying new things to get back on the algorithms favor so you brushed it off as her chasing new heights to her already growing fame.

-Hey, I’m not sure where you are exactly and it isn’t my studio. I am just renting the space but I could give you a lesson or two

Elliefuckingwilliams: Sweet! When are you available ? I have a gap next week otherwise it can be next month

You stared at her immediate response and quirked your brow in approval. Professional and straight to the point. You could respect that. Not what you were aiming for. You tried to ignore the previous conversations you two had that showed above her new messages. Your fruitless attempts at getting her attention in the most stupid of ways. Can’t blame a girl for trying. Shoot for the stars they say. You’ll land on dirt but hey, at least you gave it a fair shot and therefore no one could blame you for trying.

-This week is good. Say Friday ?

Elliefuckingwilliams: Yeah yeah cool! I'll text you the day before so that you can tell me your location and everything

You pursed your lips and turned to look at Ophelia who was on all fours on your couch desperately trying to steal a glance at your phone screen. You tossed it on one of the floor cushions

“Not a date. I’m just gonna be her dance instructor so looks like you owe me that blunt”

“Nu-uh. Bet you’ll be raw dogging in the studio. We will see who wins on Friday”

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

“And the dance floor is filling up with blood, But oh, Lord you’ve never been so in love”

ELLIE’s POV

Ellie was convinced that God had specifically hand crafted her body to be incapable of dancing. She had no coordination and perhaps was even tone deaf which was ridiculous for someone who played the guitar and sang. Not that she was a pro at that either but who creates a musician who doesn’t understand how to step on notes in any way other than with an instrument ? So now that she had texted you she was frantic, bouncing her leg up and down and chewing on the flesh around her fingernails.

“What's gotten into you?”

Dina asked while folding clothes. She was at her and Jesse's apartment for the night and she had yet to tell them about her new crush and her impatient attempt at getting to see you as soon as possible. Ellie was aware of you as a creator. Be it from a post-share on her friends stories or you falling on her timeline she would see you here and there. She vividly remembered a month where you peaked and she went from seeing you once every two months at best to seeing you every week. And she was curious as to why was everyone going crazy over you and your content. You seemed to interact mostly with Abby’s girl.

That’s how Ellie referred to the girl Abby seemed to be crushing on. In a game of broken telephone and who told what, Ellie planned on seeing how close Abby was with her girl and if that was close enough for her to ask if she could…well ask her about you and then somehow for that information to get back to you.

But all that plan failed the second Ellie asked

“So is Cotton dating anyone?”

And Abby took that horribly wrong and now was set on gatekeeping her. Ellie was awkward and a mess and couldn’t communicate properly what she wanted because to her, what she asked was obvious and had no hidden meaning or intention but the world around her didn’t work like that and she struggled so fucking hard with it.

Ellie’s second grant failure was when she followed you back. She was sure that you wouldn’t have missed it. But the silence was so loud it was deafening. You were still posting but you were otherwise quiet everywhere else. You rarely even watched her stories at this point so Ellie decided to grow a backbone and some balls and directly message you.

She flinched at the dry responses she gave you to your previous interactions which back then seemed professional but now they seemed…So distant.

Finally, she texted you.

and you responded.

“Dina I did a stupid thing”

Dina tossed the clothes in the wardrobe and kicked close giving up on tidying Jesse’s shit

“Ok, stupid how? Like speaking money or-”

“I texted my crush-”

“You have a crush?”

“Yes and so I texted her and-”

“Who is she ?”

“A content creator, anyways so I texted her”

“WHo?”

“Dina can you let me talk?!” she said frustrated and Dina grinned. She went to the kitchen aisle to grab a bottle of water and tossed another one Ellie’s way. She leaned against the counter listening to her friend endless yawping about this new crush. she called her twice a day until Friday, and would recite every move and gesture she planned on using to seduce you. Dina would turn each one down by saying

“You do realize that when you see her you will just shit your pants from excitement and won't say anything right?”

So ellie would hang up and call a few hours later with a new plan that aligned more with how she typically acted.

When Friday came she showered twice and changed outfits over and over again, as a result she was late. She was proud of her fit since the sleeveless turtleneck did a nice job at hugging her slim, well built frame and showed off her toned arms that took years of calisthenics to build and paired with a baggy pair of sweatpants she felt like she had the biggest dick in the city.

But once she parked outside of the studio you mentioned cold sweat ran down her spine and her hands felt clammy and sticky from anxiety.

what the hell am I doing

she questioned and rested her head against the steering wheel. She drummed her fingers on the soft leather and hummed a melody to ease her nerves till she heard light tapping on the window. She lifted her head and looked up and there you were. hair loose, shorts and a baggy graphic T that had a faded graffiti-like artwork of spiderman.

She hated how much she loved the sight in front of her.

she opened her door and slid out trying to gather her stuff in a hurry

“Hi sorry, were you waiting long? I missed the bus and had to wait a bit until the next one came…”

“no no! Its cool I was just, ugh trying to calm down cause I'm nervous”

you smiled and lowered your brows in empathy

“I assumed you would. You don't have experience in dancing right? Or at least you haven’t mentioned it anywhere”

She winced at how obvious her lie was and she didn’t know how to answer to that

I don’t dance but If that’s what it takes to fuck you then sure I can learn how to do a Ronde de Jambe

“ah yeah you got me there, I’ve never danced before”

“That’s cool with me. Just curious on what piqued your interest to start now. New hobby or…?”

“yeah new hobby!” she hurried to answer, glad that you inspired her on what lie to use for the day.

You nodded while checking her out head to toe and before she had time to boost her ego and assume that you did because you found her hot you said-

“Hm. I will need you to wear tighter pants next time so that I can see what you are doing with your legs. But for today it's fine”

and took the keys out of your duffel bag

“Well. Ellie williams. Ready to start?”

“ah yeah just, be gentle…? I've never done anything remotely close to dancing with my body and I might be pretty stiff”

“Don’t worry about it. I've had every type of student and all of them managed to pull a few cool moves in their second month. If there’s a will there’s a way”

she smiled more nervous than before. You were formal and professional leaving little close to no space for her to get flirty and she was at a loss. She should’ve done more research on dancer etiquette so that she wouldn’t have looked like such an uneducated swine but there was no point in getting angry over that now.

“We will start with basic breathing exercises and a warm up just to get you in the swing of things. We will start with body isolations”

Ellie stared at you from the mirror as you showed her the first few basic motions

“Alright so for the warmup just follow my lead”

you grabbed the remote and put on “never ending song” by Conan Grey which had a pretty standard rhythm and was easy to dance along to. Ellie was in awe with the plasticity of your body, every move being a continuation of the previous one all like a rolling tide of emotions complimenting the beat and the beat complimenting you.

On the other end, Ellie was too embarrassed to look at her own reflection

“alright so first to isolate your hips from your chest” you said and let the next song play. You laid your palm flat on her back and pointed a bit below her collarbones holding your fist in the air

“move with me, breathe in” you said and she tried to copy your move watching your chest rise. You shook your head

“no, I need only your chest to move. Relax your shoulders love” you teased with an easy smile and Ellie by now was a mess, from the proximity and from the simple exercise of trying to move your breathing pattern

You were oblivious to it all going from one body part to another occasionally fixing up her posture and tapping the part that she had to focus on, but all hell broke loose in your brain when you laid your hand on her stomach asking her to clench and unclench her core hunching within herself.

“You were so dramatic before, look at you Els. You just needed a little basic guidance “ you encouraged and she smiled and looked at you in excitement, oblivious to the fact that when she turned her head she was a breath away from accidentally kissing you

“ah! I-“

you smirked and pulled away

“I've been rehearsing this one choreo, best way to understand these exercises is through a dance routine. How do you feel about that?”

Ellie agreed and while dancing she kept being thrown off balance at the sharp turns that she had to take which in return slowed her down and she would miss a few steps. You let the music play in the background and let out an awkward chuckle

“Fuck ok this is my fault see I forgot to tell you about spotting”

“Spotting?”

You nodded and you pushed her back by her shoulder freeing up a line for you

“See when we turn, we always have a spot” You said and stepped into the appropriate preparation to do 8 simple turns, your head always snapping the back to the invisible mark you held with your eyes

Ellie pursed her lips. Seemed like such an obvious trick but one that went completely over her head

“Now I see that you struggle to look at yourself in the mirror, Which is fine. I’m sure you'll get used to it eventually, so instead try taking a few turns while holding eye contact with me, yeah ?”

You offered and she took a couple steps back

“Ugh…what were all those moves you made before spinning?”

“Oh don’t worry about that,thats ballet stuff. Just spin. Bent your elbows and hold your arms against your chest if it helps”

Ellie started off slow, picking up the pace as she neared you, eventually losing sight of what was in front of her

“Wow-wow-wowwww I got you” you said and steadied her by her shoulders and held her in place. She looked up at you taking in deep breaths, cheeks flushed and eyes wide open with her lips parted in a soft smile

“That went well, How do you feel?”

You said and you gently rubbed your thumb against the naked skin of her biceps.

“Great, I… I liked this it makes more sense now”

She said filled with excitement

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

Every time Ellie liked your story you felt your heart skip a few beats. You were in the studio for your solo dancing practice and kept bouncing from one leg to the other to keep your muscles warm while you scrolled through your phone to find some inspiration or a pic that you could post and in return give Ellie an opening to respond to. The image of her timidly trying to follow along through your every move, her flushed cheeks and her voice shaking did things to your brain chemistry, re-wiring its entire structure and flow. Every time she posted a story with a smug smile and pants lower than her boxer briefs you just laughed remembering what a shy and soft mess of words the girl was and felt an unhealthy amount of endearment. A spark re-ignited in your dead heart and you liked it. You liked ellie when you didn’t know her, and you liked her even more now that you did.

By now it had been…a good two weeks that consisted of 4 dance practices that you had with her. The first time you saw her up close all you thought was a “huh”

And then a “she is shorter than me-“ which for you was dangerous. You had an incredibly soft spot for masc lesbians who were shorter than you. Unfortunately they were never attracted to you though. You had always attracted the exact opposite of what you wanted and you blamed that on your overly dominant attitude.

On the second day you both had the same idea of treating each other to a coffee and so you ended up with 4 paper cups of iced almond milk lattes which you laughed about for a good 10 minutes

“We are so in sync!” You commented and she nodded excitedly, blushing all the way to her ears.

On the third dance practice you purposely pretended to assist her and correct her to find an excuse to touch her and when you saw how positively she reacted to it you pushed on the advantage that you had, heavily , which made you believe that maybe there really was some kind of ulterior motive as to why Ellie was so set on having you as a dancing coach.

On the fourth day there was a shift in the tide and something was in the waters. Ellie had her hair gathered and decided to wear the sluttiest outfit on earth ( aka a white top and grey sweatpants )

She went to greet you with a hug and you noticed her perfume, subtle but there to make you lust after it. She asked if she could record the Dance you were rehearsing for a post and you felt alright with that. And she excelled. She was a fast learner and her body had a good flow. It did need polishing but she wasn’t half as bad as she claimed to be. The fifth video take was close to perfection and in her excitement she yanked you towards her and wrapped you in a tight hug which you immediately reciprocated eager for the contact with the sex God standing before you. You took in the blended smell of her perfume and her sweat which had you feel insufferable discomfort with how tight your pants were. Something about her raw scent had you horny like a dog and you had to clench your jaw in patience not to act out of instinct and try to get closer than needed.

You both laughed and she yelled in excitement “I fucking did it”

And then your voice followed, a bit quieter “I told you, you could do it” she pulled back her arm still on your waist, her thumb caressing the skin as she watched the video a second time in excitement. You took the chance to stand a bit closer to her while she in sync wrapped her whole arm around you and leaned her head against your chest enjoying the dance and pointing out things that you could do differently next time, all in the comfort of each other’s embrace.

She posted the video and in the daze of the excitement of seeing what you two looked like next to each other you forgot to worry about the fact that you were yet again getting entangled with a public figure. An actually big one. While your previous relationship was just your ex leeching off of you and your success, this one…it had to be different. Ellie had nothing to gain from you and you put your trust in that and in the fact that the two of you seemed to genuinely get along

You decided to text her first

“You impatient fuck. We could’ve filmed a better take tomorrow”

“You are such an ass, let me enjoy my accomplishments”

You started tidying up the studio and decided to leave your bag with your ballet clothes and pointe there since you would come tomorrow for Ellie’s lessons anyways. You chatted back and forth all the way back and you almost tripped on your staircase too busy typing a response. You banged your head against your door though thinking you had unlocked it to find that you didn’t. Ophelia opened it for you

“Girl?”

You looked at each other and you immediately broke into a smile the split your lips

“Ellie posted our video. And she left in the part where she hugged me”

“Oh-hooooo” she exclaimed and rushed you in. She tossed the mop on the side of the wall and nudged you to the couch abandoning whatever housework she was in the middle of to listen to you

“Aaaand we are still talking” You said smiling and Ophelia clapped cheering for you while you swung your way inside the house and fell dramatically on the couch.

“Oh my, I’m so glad the Gods heard our prayers cause I was sure I was about to send you off to priesthood”

“It wasn’t that bad”

You said with an offended gasp and she scoffed

“Honey, one more month and you were about to grow back your virginity. I’m just happy to see you back out there and not just with anyone but with The Ellie fucking williams!” She said getting louder with every word. You joined her cheerful demeanor hopping on the couch and you both started bouncing on it like kids in a playground

“I can’t believe this. I wanna wear something good for our practice tomorrow”

“Shorts and that nice red bodysuit!”

“But-“

“No buts! I know it’s uncomfortable but she will see you and rip it off right away so how much will you really suffer, you know?”

Ophelia coming through with the obvious answer to any and every world known issue was exactly what you needed to finish off your day. Though to be fair, if there was anything you should have listened to regarding -making a move on your crush- that would have to be her. She had a banging record of pulling every single guy she set her eyes on and one night standing them for her own satisfaction. Of course now she had her sights on someone specific but that didn’t change or erase all previously acquired skills in the flirting department. Despite all of that, You ended up rejecting the bodysuit idea because that would be a hassle to actually get off if things would go anywhere and even if they wouldn't, anything that tight during summer was a nightmare in general.

“Hey can I borrow that white top you have?”

“Borrow whatever you want and do whatever you want just never let me know about it”

_________________ 𓆩♡𓆪 _________________

on the day that you fully planned on making a move a couple things went wrong. First and foremost well, It decided to rain down which meant you had to run all the way from the bus stop to the studio in a hopeless attempt to preserve your hair and outfit. It didn’t do much since you ended up like a drenched cat either way but you refused to let your mood falter.

You tried texting Ellie to ask if she could bring coffee for you two.

Few minutes later she came in with two iced coffees, not a drop of rain on her which you were awfully jealous of. Her cropped hair was once again all gathered in a short ponytail and she wore two sports wristbands around her arms which did unimaginable things to you. It was good sight with her sleeveless baggy tshirt. Ellie just knew how to dress plain and attractive.

“Looking good” she teased when she found you furiously trying to dry the ends of your hair with a towel

“Shut up. Please shut up”

“So sensitive” she said and rolled her eyes making her way to you and taking the towel from your hands

“Let me help” it wasn’t so much of a request as it was a demand when she pulled the towel out of your hands and moved behind you, wrapping your hair in it and squeezing it to get most of the water out. You felt your body temperature rise at the awfully tender gesture and unsure of what to do you just fidgeted with your hands looking at the floor

“ I can drive you back to your place if you want”

“No, it's fine. Ill wait it out”

“No no, I insist. Let me drive you back and look cool while doing so”

A soft chuckle escaped your lips as she rounded you up to give you the towel with a small shy smile, her cheeks a shade of pink now.

Practice was good if you were to ignore that Ellie seemed a lot more focused on your assets rather than the moves you were showing. You knew the biker shorts you were gave her a 4K view of your ass but you didn't expect her to be this obvious about it. You stepped back after a moment and just watched as she rehearsed the dance on her own and you were in awe on how much more comfortable she seemed with her body now

“Good. This one was very good. Want me to film you so that you look at yourself?”

you asked and she shook her head satisfied with the progress. You slouched on the ground, legs spread and ankles on your knees wiping the sweat of your brow carefully as not wipe your brow completely off with it and looked at the time

“Well we are pretty much done then for today. Unless there’s anything you wanted to ask me or anything else you wanna try doing?” you asked and Ellie followed your lead walking over to you across the room and crouching down on her knees in front of you

“Oh yeah I did wanna ask something”

“go ahead then” you said dreading having to get up. You didn’t have to though

“Can I take you out on a date ? for coffee perhaps?”

[hexenmond]

The Witch Door fan fiction: Chapter 10 is up on AO3

Good morning everybody from my new living room! 😃 I am freshly moved and in the process of sorting out my life, but new living quarters sure make a gigantic difference. I posted chapter 10 on Friday already, but didn’t have the time to make a post. So now I finally got to creating a series, and this is the official celebration post to say that

🎉 part 1 “Exactly as you are” is finished! 🎉

And as soon as I am sorted out here, I intend to work on the rest of the series (4 or 5 more parts) at least every Tuesday night – thanks be to my writing club! – until it’s done. Plus part 2 is going to be SO much fun 🤩

And since I actually haven’t posted a snippet from chapter 10 yet like I thought, here you go:

After breakfast Jousia washes up their coffee cups, and they pack their suitcases to be ready for when Ryouta comes to pick them up. They make their way out to the beach again, their bellies full, to just sit in the white sand looking at the waves breaking on the shore. The island is peaceful and calm, with the breeze rustling the bushes and the sun warming their backs.

“You know, I’ve been wondering for a while,” says Jesse. “How did you actually learn about sensory overload? You said you didn’t know what was happening yourself.”

Jousia scratches his chin. “I got lucky. After that happened, I went to see a good friend of mine, and she just about explained my whole life to me. I was so glad to know her that day. Without her I might never have understood what was up.”

Jesse smiles at him. “That’s really, really good. That you have a friend you can talk to about something like that.” He looks out at the horizon, and doesn’t say anything for a while.

“Yes, it is.” For a moment Jousia thinks about Tzofi, and he feels deeply grateful for her friendship. “This probably sounds silly to you, but I don’t think I could have talked to anybody else about – well, about you and about how I felt, or how didn’t know how I felt.”

“No, I don’t think that’s silly at all.” Jesse’s profile is silhouetted against the blue sky, his face unmoving. “I don’t really tell people about you either. Apart from the superficial stuff.”

“What do you mean?”

Jesse sighs. “Well, just about everyone who knows me even a little bit knows that there is a special person in my life, and that this isn’t a very straightforward relationship. So I can whine and mope at people and they’ll be generally understanding, you know? But that’s about it.” He glances at Jousia.

“My assistent Alex knows that if this one person turns up for whatever reason, I’m putting everything on hold, period. Like, when you knocked on my door after the sensory overload? I had already told them that any planned meetings might get postponed at a moment’s notice, so I only had to send them a quick text.” He turns his gaze to the sea again. “But that’s already more than I tell most people.”

Oh. “But you do have a close friend as well? Somebody you can talk to about things that bother you, or that you can’t figure out on your own?”

Jesse sighs again, and wraps his arms around his legs. “I do… there’s one exception. One person who gets to hear absolutely everything. Um.” He looks at Jousia, embarrassed. “I feel like I should have asked you before I told her so much about you… but I actually knew her before we were even talking. So I had already whined to her at length about having a hopeless crush on this other witch, and after the show in Turku…” He buries his face in his arms.

“Why, what do you tell her?” Jousia is quite curious now.

“Oh my god…” Jesse hides his face in his hands. “You really want to know?” He peeks at Jousia through his fingers, hesitating. Finally he puts his arms around his legs again and looks out at the sea, away from Jousia, his cheeks red. “Oh well… I tell her that there’s this beautiful man who has no concept of his own gorgeousness, not even when somebody explains it directly to his face. That he’s the coolest, smartest, and kindest person I know.

“I tell her that we’re friends, that we’re going out for coffee, that I can’t wait to see him again. After Ryouta’s party,” he hides his face in his hands again, “oh god after Ryouta’s party she had to endure about three hours of AFET HE KISSED ME HE FREAKING KISSED ME I NEARLY DIED, until I was able to calm down again…” Jesse glances at Jousia, who sits next to him, listening attentively.

“And after our dream meeting, the night after the show in Turku, she never got to hear the end of that either. Afet, I said to her, Afet he’s so cool, he visited me in my dream and freaking left his card and then I woke up with his card in my hand and he’s so cooooool I wish I could do that, and then we actually went out for brunch together—”

Jousia interrupts him. “What, wait. You mean you can’t? Why didn’t you ask me, I’ll show you how to do that!”

“You would?!”

“Jesse, I have an apprentice. Of course I’ll show you.”

His friend’s face is incredulous. “…You have an apprentice?!”

“Well yes. Somebody needs to look after new witches, right? I quite like doing that.”

Jesse looks at him, speechless, his expression oddly guarded.

“This friend of yours… is she a witch?”

“…Yes. Yes she is. Still new to it though.”

Jousia’s eyes bore into Jesse’s, who promptly turns his face away. “How new? And who is teaching her?”

“Well, I do of course, as best I can.” Jesse is still avoiding Jousia’s gaze.

“And is she a spirits witch as well?”

“No. No, she is not.” Now Jesse’s voice is down to a broken whisper. “We don’t really know much about her powers yet…”

Jousia takes a deep breath, his eyes blazing. “Okay. Let me see if I understand the situation correctly. You know a new witch, with unrecognised powers different from your own, and you try to teach her things. Yes?”

“Yes.”

“And does she know any other witches apart from you? Anyone at all?”

“…No.”

Jousia explodes. “Why the fuck not, Jesse! Witches need other witches! You can’t just – keep her to yourself like that, and hope that it’ll just work out somehow, even though you obviously don’t know what you’re doing!” He sees Jesse flinch, hard, and immediately regrets his outburst.

Find the series on AO3

[hollisartsblog]

Sorry for the long post, I just felt like I needed to get it out, if you want to read I'd be happy, if not, it's okay!

reading for the first time after almost 5 years what I used to write and think about late at night, and now I feel like doing it again, trying to find the right words.

I wanna talk about being in the moment as an artist, appreciating what you do, and not giving a fuck. (and loving ur young self)

I spent my teenage years drawing and posting here, so I had a lot to read tonight and to think about.

have u ever experienced that strange feeling, where you are like "wow. I was actually so beautiful and smart, who could have ever hated me?"

I was a completely different person, and maybe I miss that little girl, and maybe I hate her even a little. now, I'm not here to talk like I'm in a psychoanalyst's deckchair, of course. but I'm here, to resume the beautiful, however embarrassing in my opinion, habit of writing my most intimate thoughts (shareable, of course) that cross my mind at night, because maybe they can help someone, because we are never alone. just as they helped you years ago, just as it has helped me re-reading them now after all this time. I've had some crazy years. I was young, I was passionate and genuinely free to do whatever I wanted. I had friends, I had just sold a self-published book, I had "fans", I was "successful", I had good grades, I had a girlfriend, yet I wasn't happy. I know it sounds like the usual sweet story about happiness and self-satisfaction, but I don't think so (and even if it was, well, here we are ;) ) I didn't realize how necessary EVERYTHING that was happening to me was.

artists have a huge difficulty accepting that sometimes we have to look inside and accept that we have to constantly learn, instead we are always in a hurry to be perfect, to get likes, to earn, but that's not how it goes. I was literally 16 and already thinking about this, thinking I must be good enough to please everyone.

spoiler: you can never do that.

as I said years ago, our eyes are not the right eyes to judge us.

appreciate the compliments, don't dismiss them with an embarrassed smile. appreciate the effort and hours put into a work even if it is bad for you. hug your self when after a bad day you still have the courage to do what you love. being an artist is beautiful, but a huge burden, especially for us. remember that when our insecurities take over, we are not lucid.

yes, that drawing u posted that got 8 likes made 8 people feel something. how amazing is that?

yes, it will be fine, that text you wrote will be something new in someone's eyes, it won't be something read and re-read to make it perfect. you will amaze and make someone fall in love with what u did.

internet is an amazing place, and sometimes it's not. I got myself into a really bad place because I was too immature and too impatient to immediately be the artist I always felt I was, but NO ONE is after you with a clock ticking away time.

you really think someone care about how much time does it take you to get to your goal? why should it matter? I'm not going to list every single successful person who actually made it and tell you "look! they were poor now they are rich, so u can do it!". i'm telling you to always love the process; I would've punched myself in the face, I hated when adults told me this phrase, but it's true: everything pass. you are not gonna be like this forever. you are gonna love what you do one day, and love life because life takes but gives.

(tw: mental health) I spent years between psychologists and suicidal thoughts, I was never enough, and my art not only made me feel miserable, but it was one of the first reason I fell into depression. it always reminded me how plain, boring, and uninspired I was.

there was never anything that was right in what I did, every comment and every ask you sent me had no weight for me, they meant nothing because I didn't I believed in myself, yet I should have tasted it. now I reread them crying, not believing what I read. I was talented, man, I was full of ideas, I was amazing. I lost that spark, because of fear, of waiting for the right moment. i sabotaged myself because i was afraid of judgement, of pressure, when i had love around me, everywhere.

now I'm in Florence, far from home, studying in a private academy of animation and digital art. would I ever have thought that? absolutely no. I deserve it? Yes. because I, like you artists, have grown, we have learned, and I'll tell you this once and for all: do not give up. things are really getting better. now I'm not saying that because I magically healed and I love my art all of the sudden (unfortunately, I still really struggle) but please don't look at likes, followers. you're good, just because you love what you do, literally that's all that matters. I took a long break, now 2 years, because, as much as I didn't want to admit it, I was starting to hate what I was doing, it had become an obligation, a simple circle to mark before going to sleep on the to-do list. to alone.

16 years old. and it wasn't right.

love what you do, take breaks, post without checking a thousand times, show your work, accept compliments. you have created something, and that is enough.

look at you past as an amazing book you just read, the satisfaction coming from all the pages you already read and learnt from, now you are a different person thanks to them. look at you future with the same excitement when you still have a lot of those pages to read.

[arsenalgbt]

I was writing the latest soccer moms au chapter, torturing Leo and Kieran a little bit like I do and then because I have your post notifications on, I am treated to the sight of that smoking nsfw gif that you tagged as Kai and supermodel au and it altered my brain and I had to play with it a little bit. So I present a snippet from an au I'm not writing but would give anything to read at some point. Hear me out, Ben as the agent, Kai as the model and Dec as this gorgeous innocent little lamb who is a decent photographer but dreams of working on high fashion shoots. He's done a few lowkey shoots and met Kai at some industry event, Kai went out to smoke and Declan was out there getting fresh air. Kai asked for a light and was shocked when Declan didn't have one because didn't every model smoke. He's even more shocked when Declan laughed and explained he was a photographer. Kai was tipsy (champagne on an empty stomach was never smart) and ordered Dec to prove it by photographing him with his phone. it's silly and soft and so far removed from what Kai is used to, had he been sober he would not have been like that. He wakes up in a strangers bed the next morning with a text from Dec saying it was nice to meet him and that he hoped to work with him again and a little winky with the photos attached. Kai thinks Dec is a dork and as he looks at the photos, he thinks he's never looked better. It's the first time the photos he's going through of himself actually look like him. They start texting - they're friends - they want to fuck so bad. An opportunity arises for Kai to help Declan out and he takes it, he still wants to protect Dec though. He doesn't want Dec knowing what he did because not only does he want him to be innocent but also because he thinks Dec would be disgusted if he knew. Declan is one of those sensible types. Here's a snippet, I wrote this instead of the soccer mum's au that I was going to do. Oops

A pretty little thing.

It had always amused Kai when anyone had described him like this, Yes, he was pretty, that much he was willing to admit with the hope of not sounding vain, models like him typically were pretty. It was being described as little that almost always pulled a soft chuckle from his lips though, little just did not feel accurate just over six foot in height. Ben had rolled his eyes when Kai had told him as much, his agent had quickly pointed out his slim waist and his distinct lack of muscles in a way that was neither cruel nor kind. Ben marketed Kai as little and it was Kai's job to ensure he stayed that way.

Ben had been the first person to give him a cigarette, it was before some photoshoot with some photographer that Kai couldn't remember anymore. It was early in his career but Ben was pretty well established as someone who knew what he was doing so Kai hadn't questioned it when Ben placed a cigarette between his fingers, lit it and told him to calm the fuck down before the shoot. Kai had coughed after the first drag in an embarrassing fashion that had made Ben roll his eyes. Kai didn't eat on any of his breaks that day, he'd find Ben and ask for a cigarette instead of asking could he eat only to be told no like usual. Kai liked how smoking made him feel, proper models smoked and that's what he wanted to be. A proper model.

It had been six months since his first cigarette and he had taken to use tobacco scented products to cover the smell of smoke on his skin. He was sure the people who handled the clothes he wore hated him but Kai did not have to care about such people anymore now that he was making money. Ben had told him to leave that kind of thing to him and Kai was happy to do so, especially because he had learned about the extra duties that were often required of models like him on shoots. Duties such as getting fucked by egotistical designers, frustrated photographers, bitchy editors and in one instance that Kai still had not worked out the reasoning for, an uptight caterer. He let them do whatever they wanted to him as long as no cum got on any of the clothes he was wearing and he would reap the appropriate rewards such as getting the nicer outfit or the front coverer. He thinks Ben had him sleep with the caterer because he hadn't had the cash to pay for the cocaine the guy had brought them, Kai hadn't really been bothered enough to ask.

The man currently thrusting into him wasn't the roughest person that Kai had been fucked by in the last few months but he was the most vocal, telling Kai what a pretty little thing he was and how he was a well behaved slut with nearly every thrust. Production managers were an interesting type of person on a shoot, loving the sound of their own voice above all else, Kai knew that as he let this man with pudgy fingers and a genuinely revolting beer belly fuck him that it would be best to stay quiet. Well behaved sluts like him were supposed to be seen and not heard. It was hard not to gasp as his head face was pushed onto the desk in front of him, a prop that he was supposed to be sitting on in a silk two piece if this shoot actually went ahead the next day. The wood was cold against his cheek, the finish on it thankfully smooth "Take a drag, baby"

A cigarette was forced between his lips and Kai did as he was told, thankful for Ben forcing him to take up smoking all those months ago. Ben was a good agent, and occasionally the closest thing Kai had to a friend in the industry in the UK, he always made sure Kai was prepared for every eventuality. Kai exhaled, wishing someone was there to record it as he did so because he was aware he looked good. A small part of him wished Declan was there with his dorky grin and politeness, soaking in the scene from behind the camera lens. The man fucking him came a few minutes later after some more overly dramatic thrusting and Kai frowned when he was ordered to pull up his trousers. He hated the ones that didn't ensure he also finished, especially when they had made such a big deal to ensure his insiders were smeared with their cum.

"So, do we have a deal?" Kai asked, his trousers buttoned and his hand instinctively reaching for the cigarette that the man had lit and forced him to take a drag of as he had fucked him. It was almost down to the butt but Kai was grateful to be offered another drag. When it came to trading sex for something, Ben was the one who always did the negotiations and was probably going to pass out when he found out that Kai had worked on his own initiative to hatch this particular deal. The drag of the cigarette grounded him, reminded him to make sure he got his reward before he left. He'd probably wank in the shower as soon as he got home, he'd earned a realease.

"This boy of yours, he's good?"

"He'll do the job" Kai replied, voice firm like Ben's would be. The implication that Declan was his boy made his heart flutter in a way that he did not want to think about for too long. Declan was his friend, Kai was doing him a favour. There was nothing else to it "He's the type to show up early and stay late, he'll get the photos we need"

"I don't like taking chances on unknowns" the man replied and Kai felt a cold chill run down his spine. He should have gotten Ben involved, he should have known that he was not able for pulling something like this off on his own. He was a pretty little thing, not a brainy type "Will he be happy to show me why I should?"

Kai knew that the man wasn't talking about Declan arriving with his portfolio, the man wanted access to one of Declan's holes and the thought of Declan in that way filled Kai with a range of emotions from anger to jealousy to arousal. Kai had to ensure that Declan wasn't going to be used in that way and had a sneaking feeling that reminding the man he was was facing that without Declan the shoot wouldn't go ahead at all after the original photographer and the back up photographer had both pulled out. Declan was their only hope but Kai was not prepared for him to be tainted by the industry yet. His loss of innocence should be the blood on someone else's hands, Kai couldn't be the cause of it the same way that Ben had caused his "He won't be happy to do so but I'll happily remind you why it was a good idea tomorrow, however you'd like me to"

-💙🤍kt anon

GENUINELY

everything about this one. every single word. the weaved sentences. every single one. this is officially my most favouritest writing of yours no cap no lie 100% this is it. numero uno. Jesus Christ. it's so perfect to a T.

how the cig started everything. his meeting with dec. ben using one to 'help' his FIRST photoshoot nerves. fuck yo.

in my supermodel au, aside from dec being an arsenal player, I also had an idea of him being a photographer BUT thought eh, it's been done too many times BUT A ROOKIE PHOTOGRAPHER? literally started from the bottom photographer dec who is sweet and doesn't smoke........................ FUCK YEAH MATE

everything . I mean it. every single thing.

kai has only been in the industry for less than a year? 6 months? truly sleeping his ways to the top and we are here for it. the modelling industry is no joke.

SOCIAL MEDIA. in my head obv as a supermodel, kai doesn't use social media. had an old one before his career took off tho, and perhaps rivals/haters will dig it up and idk, there's one of him and an ex (jurrien cough or someone else jona tah or maybe allegedly married man toni rudiger ya feel me) AAAAAAAAH

genuinelyyy yours is so perfect yo I am tempted to write but idk man. it's too perfect. don't want to taint it with my writing. maybe an AU of my AU's snippet written by yours AU? LMAO I have a big dando project I need to catch up before the end of the year and the omega prince kai ajshfkasdfjah

and unforch I know, you know, we all know you have life (which is great don't be like me) and are not a fast writer AJKSJFJASKFLKAJK not a dig just a fact 😭 and goddamn this snippet is too delicious to pass BUT AJSJHFJKAJKDFAJKL

that gif is crazy isn't it. that's literally kai. the eyebrows sultry eyes nose lips the face.............

AND HOW COULD I FORGET; ben marketing him as 'little'. his slim waist. no muscles definition.................. waif kai............ who, depending on the angle, can look pretty, handsome, strange, but still; alluring............... GOD (and me being me, obv I WANT willo as a fellow supermodel who annoys ben every time he and kai are walking the same runways / in a photoshoot BUT unforch, willo's bff, arsenal player Gabriel magalhaes, was ben's actual ex boyfriend lol)

[therandomfaebean]

*crawls up beaten up to you, all bandaged up*

Please sir, pretty please would you write some Dating headcanons for DJ Octavio? And if you have a morsel to spare, could you have the reader use he/him pronouns, be a straight up octoling, (I have to specify because of changeling stuff. Don’t even ask what that is.) and if you’re feeling generous, have the reader be autistic? I’ll love you forever, pretty please?/nf, just being silly.

I saw your post saying you would write for DJ Octavio so I’m sorry if you don’t do that anymore🤯🤯

*scurries away*

OFC!!!! Im currently OBSESSED with fish-like men who start evil and end up good in the end.

This is ONLY fluff and smooches because im tired.

also its he/him

Also i don't know how to write Autism :(

~*loading*~

Dating DJ Octavio HC's (he/him reader) (octoling)

day to day life

~DJ always cooks.

~he makes SO many different dishes

~He is generally really busy but if hes out and about he will constantly text.

~Insists on having a bit of schedule

~only good at a few chores about 45%

DATES:

~always likes big fancy dates of any kind

~Fancy restaurant? sure! Pricey concert? sure!

~he likes quite things but doesn't know how to interact in them since hes the DJ and hes used to a busy place.

Cuddling and PDA:

~he's REALLY big on PDA. he'll kiss you and hug you in front of anyone.

~you are his after all

~when he cuddles he uses you as his personal teddy bear

~he's 10 foot 5 inches so you are smol to him

~If you are sitting on you phone, watching TV, Reading, or whatever else you are doing he will cling to you until you wiggle away or he gets up

~He DEFINITELY carries you around or randomly lifts you. (also if you need a good view of something he just plops you on his shoulders)

Kissing:

~Not shy at all

~Always tries to deepen the kiss

~uses steamy kisses to drive people away

~Hes REALLY good at kissing

(Octoling army specific HCS)

~Demands the armies respect you just as much as him

~you will always have the best gear

(Normal citizen HCS)

~He comes to any Turf War battles you may have and generally embarrasses himself a little by holding up giant signs or painting his face the color of your teams ink (unless its a similar shade to his ink)

Other Random Stuff

~if you are upset for any reason he gives you all his attention until you feel better

~Actually a big softie

~Introduced you to ALL the idols

~teaches you to sing or play an instrument

~Does your Hairstyle

~if anyone is rude to you (for any reason) he yells at them .A guy once judged Y'alls relationship and The DJ yelled at him until you stopped him.

[insomniaccipher]

EDIT (24/3): so um, I posted this way way too early. In my sleep deprived state I guess I posted it rather than save it as a draft, since it's clearly not done. I'm not going to private it, people have already seen it so expect this to be updated with the remaining notes. Sorry and thank you for understanding!

(tw for mention of depression and a depressive episode)

After a few days of me being absolutely fucking drained and progressively chipping away at this, and having a surprise d3pr3ssiv3 episode

(seriously though, don't do what I did and work yourself into a depressive episode. I'm okay now, but I should have rested before I crashed.)

And I can finally present the original sketches, notes (internal dialogue included) and with additional notes provided by present me.

Thank you to the few people who showed interest in my little character for being patient with me, I know I wasn't super loyal with the time frame and kept having issues arise but here it is. I apologise for not having a full illustration of them, It's one of those things that I have to be 100 percent satisfied with and right now, it's not there.

Thank you so so much again and I hope you like them, please feel free to critique them or ask questions but try to keep it polite please. Love you all!

Page 1 (left) - Bits and bobs

- Originally I was thinking of giving Arc moving tattoos. This was because I wanted them to have a more clear connection to ink since they would already be around it quite a lot also I imagine it would have been funny for Arc, who is a very calm and collected person, to be in a frustrating situation but can't express it so their tattoos just fucking loose it showing that they are fucking fuming but looks calm as can be.

After I decided on the hat with a veil however I decided to scrap the idea, or at least save it for a different character, as I realized the character would feel too busy and between the two ideas I liked the hat and veil more.

- There was a short-lived idea of them having blackout tattoos but after a bit of research I decided not to ask I wasn't sure if they had any cultural significance, so better safe than sorry.

- Arc, as stated in the notes, is seemingly always calm. That doesn't mean they can't feel frustrated, sad, embarrassed it just means they can keep their composure and level headed. They're like one of those people that if you upset them they'll walk out the room yell and throw shit and walk back in calm as can be.

- Their role has by now developed more than just being an archivist, as now I see them as just a general records keeper. They find and keep old records and text organised, while also writing down new information and such. I'm not changing their name though, cause honestly I've just grown attached to their nickname.

Page 2 (right) - the first note and ideas

- Weirdly enough, the very first idea I had for this character wasn't their story or personality: but their hat and veil. Yup. I just liked the idea of a character with a big halo hat and a veil hiding their face.

- There was another character at one point or they might have been the same, I don't exactly remember and the details between them were similar enough that it's possible that they were just the same character just with minor tweaks. But that character was more connected to the band (again as in the personas/characters they play, not the irl people) while Arc is more of a solo unit.

Mentioning this other character is relevant because, and this is purely based on memory, I think the whole reason they were reworked/scrapped/whatever-the-fuck I did with them was because a hat and veil wouldn't be practical on stage.

- Anyway whenever they do take the veil off, either for more delicate work or they have to be in public, they'll put on a basic mask that covers the majority of their lower face.

- A lot of stuff I see, so forgive me if it's not actually a popular concept, seems to make the band members some form of inhuman. Which I fucking love, however to be honest the inhuman stuff was always kind of going to be part of them no matter what, even if I hadn't chosen the hat and veil concept (See top bullet point for the moving tattoos concept).

[lottie-loves-you]

This goes for every fandom and there are real reasons it's unacceptable. Ai image generators steal from artists to create those images. They also discourage artists from posting because we don't want our stuff stolen, destroy beginner artists motivation to learn because "what's the point if ai can do it better", and add to the destruction of fandom culture. You appreciate your real artists a lot less when you devalue their work with ai. If you want something specific, learn to draw, commission someone, or find someone with requests open.

Ai text generators scrape fic sites so they are stealing from fic authors. That goes for Ai chat bots too. All the things I said about visual arts apply to writing as well but on top of that, especially in big fandoms, it's so painfully pointless. That specific thing you wanted the characters to do probably already exists in a fic if you look hard enough, you're just lazy and don't want to look. If it doesn't exist, write it yourself or commission someone to write it. Fic writers often stop posting due to lack of engagement so go find that specific fic you've been looking for and leave a really nice comment. If you're lucky, you might even encourage the author to write more like it. As for the ai chat bots, they contribute to the death of fandom culture. There are lots of other little weirdos(/pos) who want to rp the same stuff you do. Go find them and rp together. Is doing rp with another real person awkward sometimes? Maybe. Might it take longer than an ai that responds instantly? Yeah. So? You're building a real connection with a real other person instead of wasting your time talking to an ai that can't care about you or feel. The feeling of having another person that you're creating a brain child story with is something ai simply can't replicate because there is no other person on the other side and if you're like me and can't write with another person because they don't take it as seriously as you (yeah, I know. I'm so fun to be around but like… taking it too seriously is fun for me.) or you can't agree on plot direction, maybe rp isn't for you and you should write fanfiction instead. If you don't like rp and decide to write alone instead, you can still have that community by asking moots to beta read for you. Either way, none of that connection happens when you use ai.

I actually think Ai audios are the most egregious. Often they are sexual and that is absolutely a violation of the actor/VAs who did not consent to their voices being used that way. Even when it's not sexualized, their voices are a large part of actor's jobs and VA's entire jobs so if you are stealing that from them, you're a fucking monster. If you're too embarrassed to do your own impressions of the characters saying whatever you want them to say, you shouldn't be posting it. Yes, this one is my most hard line, no nuance take. How would you feel if people were posting audio porn of your voice that you didn't make or consent to being made? Not good? Oh, great. If you can't see the problem with this one, kindly delete all your socials and never engage in any fandom or media again. There's no excuse for any ai use but especially this one. That's a real person's real voice.

I'm not sorry for any of these takes and I will call you disgusting, cowardly, and trash for using ai when you damn well know better. I call ai posting "littering" for a reason. Please openly shame ai usage.

like i'm sorry but we as a fandom have to stay firm on our anti-AI values. we cannot suddenly start giving AI a pass when it's something we "want to see" like destiel kisses. it's not suddenly fine. we're not going to start using AI to make fanfic scenes come to life or audio AI to make characters "say" stuff we want to hear. you have GOT to be firm on your anti-AI stance. if you start making exceptions then suddenly anything will fly. fandom is for real art and creations made by real people. no AI fanfics. no AI art. no AI rendered "bonus" scenes. no AI audio. none of it has a place here.

[sunlitlemonade]

friend of 3 years stopped replying to texts. we have two groups in common and they have time to chat on there for hours sometimes. i just couldn't handle it anymore and confronted them one day. the most embarrassing part was that i was so heartbroken that i inevitably started crying my fucking eyes out. even writing this makes me want to cry till i sleep and don't have to think about them. there wasn't anything romantic. just putting that out there because people have a habit of assuming. we used to be very good friends and it hurts that we can't have whatever we once did. they had been lonely before i met them and introduced them to a larger group i knew. i was happy that they branched out and made lots of friends. i loved them (platonically) so of course i would be happy. but somewhere along the line their excitement while talking to me waned. they didn't want to talk. they didn't want to text. they just grew bored of me. i tried to let them go because they obviously couldn't give less of a fuck. for some reason though they approach me randomly when they have nothing better to do i guess. it hurts but i almost always end up talking to them despite not wanting to. i wish it was easier to hate them when we talk. i wish i was easier for them to love.

p.s.- sorry for the rant. i recently read your post about missing people and it made me think about them. coincidentally they contacted me soon after. it's been tough and i wanted this off my chest. hope you can figure things out with that person! much love.

my inbox is safe space for rants! no worries <3

sweetheart, i fear you & i might be the bad decisions duo.... because tell me why the situation i went thru was nearly the exact sameeeee but i too talk to them whenever they decide to contact me out of the blue 😭

im so sorry you had to go thru this. it always sucks to lose friendships & especially when the other party is hell bent on acting as if everything is fine & dandy. especially when they simply get bored of you.

don't let this fool you into thinking that you can't be loved or that you arent worthy of it tho. you are & always will be!!!! trust me. do not let ppl who aren't around anymore decide your worth. yes the way they acted was shitty but friendships end. ppl we thought would stick by us, drift away. it hurts to see someone who you once talked to abt anything & everything now have time for everyone except you. it's not easy at all but thats just how it is.

i can only hope that confrontation brought you closure [but by the way you mentioned they pop in randomly & talking to them still hurts.... im not sure that happened] & can suggest you to keep your conversations as short as possible, to save yourself some pain. obviously i don't know all the details of whatever happened between you guys but this is working for me now so just mentioning this for your consideration!

i always remain civil as i can be, especially because they don't even know how i feel abt the situation..... because i never confronted them & i don't think i will. i did cry abt it & surprised the friend who had to witness that & myself even since its very rare for me to cry lol. they really did fuck me up.

so yeah, convos to be kept nice & short & if you believe you can take the next step & cut them out completely- do so! im trying my very best to take that step too.

giving you the biggest hug. take care 💗

[wit-and-worry]

There’s this slightly younger acquaintance I have(had?) who seems to enjoy my company, and with whom I’ve only had seemingly mutually enjoyable and lengthy conversations, but who doesn’t usually initiate contact. He doesn’t seem very online, and has a strong and tight circle of friends he likes. He’s interesting. He’s bright and respectful. He’s almost too polite, in person. But is it so hard to communicate with him over text. Mostly because he doesn’t text back, for whatever reason.

Before we got to talking on the last day of my senior year(he was a Junior at the time), I was frankly intimidated by him. He was the brightest kid in my Hnrs Physics class. He seemed to pick up the material like a pile of feathers. He seemed friendly and confident and put together. He was starkly unlike me. I was and still am struggling not to be a miserable slob with no concept of time or personal responsibility every day. What drew my interest in pursuing a friendship was his evident interest in the kind of literature I was interested in. I saw many Asimov books on his desk and in his hand throughout the year, but also some classics like Heart of Darkness(which I figured was for class but I’m not sure of now), and the Slaughterhouse Five(maybe Cat’s Cradle? I saw him carrying a Vonnegut novel for sure), and some others I can’t remember the names of now, and an anthology of Camus’ short stories. When I saw him with those books I felt like a dog seeing another dog for the first time. My brain went: oh shit! Dog dog dog dog! (gonna go on a tangent now) I’ve historically gravitated towards classic lit, primarily because I had the idea that reading influential works of literature and studying them would help make me a better writer. Not that I didn’t and don’t earnestly enjoy them. Much of classic literature carries me way out of the modern world without alienating me from humanity. I can usually rely on it to be somewhat deftly written and it’s fun to geek out over. It’s fun but lonely. It is also very intimate and rewarding.

When I meet people who share that passion, it implies to me that they have the patience and curiosity and courage it takes to appreciate it.

I admit that, initially, there was also a glamor to the idea of being a young person, having all of that high brow literature under my belt, and as a result being praised by teachers for being articulate and mature and all of that. It’s embarrassing to admit, even to myself, that my interest in classic literature is in part a consequence of my being given, as Savannah Brown once put it “well-timed praise”, but it is what it is.

I still do think that it is beneficial for those who are serious about writing to visit or revisit the work of influential writers. It’s just that now I feel a restless craving for transgressive art. I want to read the kind of fucked up and intimate fiction I want to write.

Anyway I started writing this post to bitch into the void to be honest, because I suspect that this acquaintance of mine isn’t interested in befriending me, and I’m bummed. I’ve reached out a few times either to start a conversation or schedule a hangout, but it’s getting to be a hassle. He has little reason to pursue my friendship, because he’s pretty content with his social life as it is. He’s pretty elusive. He’s apparently very busy. I’m not, which is why I’m pursuing. But I’m tired of making an ass of myself pursuing people. I’ve been the pursuer for most of my life. I might have to let this one go. Or just let him come to me, if he ever does. It’s weird. I’m overthinking this for sure. I just don’t want to drive him away. I think he’s cool, despite being a year younger than me lol. It may seem like I have a crush on this guy, but I promise that is not the case. I don’t want it to ever go there. He seems straight, besides. I’m just so lonely that it’s pathetic. It’s not gotten to the point that I will settle for anyone, but I hit it off with this guy in a way I haven’t with anyone in years. Hard not to want to relive that initial rush. I can’t help but wonder if I said something that creeped him out the last time we hung out. I can think of a few things that he may have misread, which keep me up at night. Well I don’t know what else to say so I’m going to stop here.

-some guy

[aloneandunreal]

august 7, 2023

i'm having trouble knowing how to start this. i haven't posted in awhile, but twenty hasn't been too horrible to me so far. it still feels weird to say that i'm twenty, but i'm starting to feel it -- just a bit. emphasis on just a bit. for this post, i wanted to write a bit about my love life. relatively non-existent, but there has been some movement in the past week or so. though probably not anymore. but i'm getting ahead of myself.

i've always been the type of person who loved love. or at least the idea of it. even as a child, i would always pick someone to have a crush on when the school year began. sometimes it would stick, and other times my eyes would move elsewhere. of course, because i'm me, i never confessed my feelings to any of them. but, there was a sort of safety and comfort in leaving it as just a crush. while i had always wanted to be in a relationship, they were sort of scary. unknown territory. still are! i've always been relatively non-committal; bored easy. for the short time i was in a relationship (8th grade, so i don't really count it), i almost immediately felt trapped. not because of him, it wasn't as if he was controlling or anything of the sort, but for whatever reason i felt bound to him. sort of suffocating, in a way. same goes for the girl i "dated" for three days (something i always try to put out of my mind) who was constantly texting me and being clingy. i guess i've always been the type to want my own space. to be left alone. and my eyes always move elsewhere after a certain amount of time. while i would never cheat, i can remember when i did have a boyfriend, i was already developing a crush on somebody else. after awhile, it was no longer exciting. i was bored. i'm still like this, in a way. not that i'd really know, considering i haven't ever been in a "real" relationship -- but still.

of course, a part of me is insecure that i had no dating experience in high school. or even a talking stage. there was one boy who liked me for awhile, and i even said 'yes' when he asked me out, but i didn't actually like him and broke up with him hours later. it simply felt nice being wanted. i liked "the chase" -- always have. this is a pretty horrible thing to admit, but it's the truth, and i can admit it because it's my private blog.

for me, the thought of dating someone, at first, is very exciting. i would love to. i want to do fun things, i want someone to love me, i want to be someone's 'special someone' and vice versa. however, then i really start to think about it and a weird feeling forms in my stomach. i don't understand it. i can't even explain the feeling because there are no words i can use to describe it. the thought that anyone could ever see me in a romantic and sexual manner is sort of unbelievable and horrifying. that's why i never know when it's the right time to 'date someone.' how long should the talking stage be for? rushing into things would give me anxiety, but waiting it out and not communicating with them "what we are" would also give me anxiety. i'm confusing like that.

most of all, i don't think anyone could love me unconditionally. both due to not feeling attractive enough; but also due to being an awkward person who is embarrassed constantly (over little things... or nothing). even if someone were to be interested, they'd get bored. just like i do.

i guess, at the moment, i just want to feel wanted. i want people to be attracted to me, and i want to be able to tell. i want to be the type of girl that is always remembered -- an enigma. of course, impossible for someone like me, but i can't help but want it. ironically enough, i even had a guy say to me "in a movie, you'd probably be the main character's best friend, with a really deep backstory." that made me feel great about myself (sarcasm). while it wasn't that serious, it's still something that made me think: what can i do to be more interesting? more cool? more memorable? nothing, probably.

even if i were to find someone i liked who liked me, and got into a relationship, i feel like i'd never be able to TRULY be myself. the song 'trying 2 fool u' by remo drive sort of encapsulates these feelings:

i've been laying on the floor trying to keep cool i've been licking off the dust, trying to fool you i've always struck myself as someone who's uncomfortable [...] i've always struck myself as someone who's impossible waving at the sky i wanted to let go, i didn't want to say goodbye

although i know this probably isn't the meaning of the song, i feel like i'll always be 'fooling' someone, at least initially. i feel like, no matter how hard i try, nobody will see the real me. it scares me to be that vulnerable. i open up easily, but not about things that really scare me. so, by 'fooling' i mean not showing my true self, the parts of me that aren't the prettiest. it's hard to explain, but i'm not sure i will ever find someone who will be patient enough with me to get comfortable. i don't think i deserve anyone's patience because i don't feel pretty enough (to deserve it). it's incredibly difficult for me to explain, but since i don't consider myself pretty, i feel like i have to be perfect in all aspects. if i'm not pretty, there has to be another valid reason to date me. pretty girls can be weird/strange, clumsy, quiet. they can complain and express their wants. on the other hand, i can't. i can't complain because i'm only being dated because i'm a people-pleaser. once i am no longer that, there is no other reason to love me. i'm only being dated because i always have self-control, never express my feelings. once i do open up, cry, complain, get angry -- that's it. there is no other reason for someone to stay with me. and the list goes on. i know it sounds irrational and strange, but i'm trying to explain it in the best way i can. basically: since i'm not pretty, i cannot have any other faults.

i'm not going to be editing/re-reading this, so it may be written strangely, so let's hope i don't sound absolutely confusing.

anyway. those are pretty much my feelings on love and relationships. i want it, but i also don't. but, mostly, i do want it. it just seems impossible for me to obtain, especially in this day and age. whenever i see a cute couple, or hear about my friend's relationships, a part of me wonders: why can't that ever be me? why can't something special and exciting like that happen to me? when is it my turn to be happy?

insert never had no one ever by the smiths because i am corny like that.

(slight NSFW) my inexperience with dating, sex, etc, is also probably an extreme turn-off for most people. most people were in relationships in high school, early college, etc. now that i'm a junior in college, i feel so inexperienced and embarrassed. i'm the type of person that needs to be good at things immediately; and the fact that i probably won't be good at kissing, any form of sex, etc is quite honestly humiliating. but there's no way to practice. and so if i ever do potentially meet someone, and want to go to that level with them, i'll have to explain that i've never done this before. how disappointing for them. i like to please, and when i can't, i get awkward and nervous. but, of course, i can't imagine myself ever getting to that point anyway. the thought of any form of sex scares me. not in a normal way, but more-so in a 'i'm insecure about my body' sort of way. how could anyone be sexually attracted to me? what if they aren't turned on? what if they realize i'm not what they expected? so many 'what-if's' and no answers.

but anyway. changing the subject, the reason i wrote this entry was to describe a situation that occurred almost a week ago. a good one! which is probably surprising after all this pessimism about love. i kissed someone for the second time and it was the most magical kiss of experienced so far -- of course, i'm putting it dramatically, considering i've only been kissed by one other person.

i'm not going to retell the story in full detail, but i met up with someone for a date in a different country while on vacation -- a one time thing, obviously -- as a spontaneous, adventurous thing (trying to push myself!) and it went incredibly well. the type of thing i'll probably remember forever. not because i'm madly in love with this person or anything, but simply because of the experience overall.

it was a nice date for the most part. of course, because i'm me, there were some things that i felt insecure about, but overall it was great. there was a sort of freedom in realizing this was a one-time thing, and i could really do whatever i wanted and likely never see him again. obviously, i didn't do anything actually "crazy", but i did kiss him. and enjoyed it. it was fun! i was awkward, of course, and unsure. i kept stalling. but he was very understanding and patient, maybe he even found it cute. the most exciting part was that i liked it more than my first kiss (but anything could be better than that!) and he seemed to enjoy it too. like, actually. genuinely. don't ask how i know. it was such an exhilirating feeling. i'm wanted! i'm wanted! he likes me! he thinks i'm pretty! and he's CUTE? how could a cute guy ever want me...

it boosted my ego maybe just a bit. i can't help it. i know, i know, male-validation is a killer. i know there's something much deeper here than simply wanting him to want me, but for a second i just want to stop those thoughts and feel excited about it. considering my non-existent love life, this whole experience with him felt pretty movie-esque. while it may have been normal for anyone else, it was just so special for me. not just because of the kiss, but just being able to get comfortable with someone like that. while i was awkward initially (no surprise), i grew more comfortable and less embarrassed (remember- everything is embarrassing to me), and i think he liked that. maybe i'm looking through rose-colored glasses, and things were not actually this magical, but whatever. i am still so excited i had this experience. even if nothing came out of it, it made me feel confident for a second, and it was fun and exciting. despite not seeming like it, i always have wanted to simply have fun and be adventurous.

of course, knowing me, there was a bit of overthinking and anxiety after the fact. i might have ruined the moment a little bit when he said something that made me feel insecure, and i felt the need to tell him. basically, he said to me: "i didn't think we'd get this far." which made me feel sensitive -- i don't think i am the type of girl who would kiss or get handsy on the first date. but this was a 'first and last date' sort of deal. so of course i was going to kiss a cute guy i'd never see again. anyway, i told him this. it felt like he was insinuating i was being "easy" and i hated that feeling. while there is nothing wrong with that, it's still looked down upon by most people. and as a woman, i wouldn't want to be seen that way. fortunately, he was pretty understanding, explaining that he mostly had just said it because he was happy i'd gotten comfortable enough to do anything with him. and that if anyone was the 'easy' one, it was him. whether this was true or not, i took his word and things were fine after that. it's not a big deal, but just something i felt i needed to mention in this entry. i'm stupidly sensitive.

i don't know what he was expecting to get out of me, but it went no farther than kissing (of course). perhaps he wanted more than that, and had wanted that since the beginning, but i'm going to be oblivious to the fact. for once, i'm going to recognize that i actually don't know what he was thinking and never will... so why overthink it? it's not that easy, and even writing this i'm thinking more deeply about the things i did and said (and cringing), but i'm going to try not to.

overall, as i've said multiple times, i am very happy with myself for going through with this date. because it was fun. it made me feel confident, even if it was just for a moment. unfortunately for me, this only lasted for a bit, which was unsurprising. male-validation only lasts for so long when you're insecure. i was trying not to overthink things, but i couldn't help but think... "why would he like me?" and "i think he's out of my league." it didn't help that i saw some horrendous photos taken of me. the bliss i felt was over. it felt nice while it lasted, but those feelings of ugliness and being unwanted came back soon enough. was he pitying me? because why would someone like him kiss someone like me. he was far too attractive for me. and the insecure thoughts go on...

i can't help it.

while i'm feeling a bit better now, those thoughts will probably continue to linger as i start to think about dating. it's all i ever think about. having a face so unlovable. i wish i had a face that could be loved -- adored. found beautiful. but, until i believe it, i won't ever realize if someone actually does. which i suppose is some sort of progress -- admitting to myself that i am insecure, and that perhaps this is all in my head, that my ugliness is not as bad as i thought and the little things i notice about myself are not noticed by others. but, of course, as of now, i can't believe that fully.

and so, those are my feelings on love at the moment. of course, i could go more in-depth, but i think that's all i have for now. despite my insecurities and nervousness about dating, deep down i do want to love and to be loved. is it possible for someone like me, though?

i hope soon the day will come that someone will find me special, beautiful, lovable. i hope soon it'll my turn to "be happy." i hope soon i'll be in the type of relationship that, now, i am envious of. i hope, i hope. but will i make it happen? that's the only question. despite wishing it wasn't the case, i also have to put in effort.

ending this, i'll leave some songs that give me some hope for love, or at least i can relate to:

everybody wants to love you - japanese breakfast (everybody wants to love you) / everybody wants to love you hate yourself - tv girl you'd fall in love with anyone / i think you'd fall in love with anyone / who fell in love with you / and they frequently do lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken - camera obscura hey lloyd, i'm ready to be heartbroken / 'cause i can't see further than my own nose at this moment andromeda - weyes blood find a love that will make you / i dare you to try [...] i'm ready to try / treat me right / i'm still a good man's daughter i want you to love me - fiona apple i want somebody to want / and i want, what i want, and i want / you to love me spit on a stranger - pavement honey i'm a prize and you're a catch / and we're a perfect match cupid - alexandra savior filled in a hole in the road, we were speaking in code / stuck in fantasy mode [...] i forgot how i ought to feel / it's a whole lot to hold back, you know that cupid shoots to kill